Another Statement of Intent

So I realized after a few posts that this blog has the potential to get a little monotonous. A series of black-and-white stills from an old show nobody knows isn't gonna be very compelling for a lot of people, so I propose a change: every time I finish a Doctor Who serial, I'll cover an episode of classic Star Trek, and this will continue until I run out of one show or the other (hint: I'll run out of Trek first). The coverage of Star Trek will begin in just a few minutes, as I recap and review the unaired pilot of the original Star Trek.
For those that are looking for political content, this probably isn't the blog for you - I have opinions, you have opinions, and a post I make about my opinions isn't going to change yours. Perhaps in the future I'll develop my writing style enough to get coherent points across, or even write short stories or somesuch, but for now, classic TV is what you get. Thanks for listening, Internet.

Season 1, Episode 1, Part 4: The Firemaker

Aaaaand we're back. This is the concluding episode to this little serial, so I've got high hopes for it, and fully expect to be disappointed. After a couple of establishing shots, we see our heroes being forced back to the cave, where we find out that Beth is dead; Cal claims the unconscious Za did it. The Doctor invents forensics ("This knife has no blood on it"), and provokes Cal into showing off his knife, which has blood on. How clever. He then proceeds to enlist Chesterton's help in starting a good, old-fashioned riot, and the entire tribe of cavemen (and cavewomen, of course) drives Cal away. Za, suddenly conscious, orders the again-prisoners back to the Cave of Skulls, despite Ian's pleading. At least Za is visibly pained; you can tell they brought in only the best actors on this one.

A poorly-lit shot, but notice he's unconscious on a stretcher here. His cuts never seem to bother him later on, while he's KILLING A MAN.

Later on in the cave, we see a touching scene of Za and his lady friend having trouble understanding the main characters' compassion toward him in the previous episode. Unfortunately, it doesn't lead to any sort of revelation; it's either make fire or die for our intrepid heroes. Thankfully, they're trying their hardest, and have worked up a classic bow-and-spindle setup to spin a stick against a plank (or something) to attempt to start one. After Za comes in, they try to explain social reform to him, but to no avail; during the discourse, a fire finally starts. As the sun comes up, everyone else grows impatient.

They're really trying very hard on this "fire" project, but first we need to know just what people want from fire. Is it something you put in your nose?

The editors would like to apologize for the above Douglas Adams reference. Those responsible have been shot.

Seems patience is not a virtue in old pre-society, and leaders are not to be trusted; suddenly, Brian has everyone convinced that Za is setting the prisoners free, while in the Cave of Skulls, Cal (having strangled a guard quite capably) appears and challenges Za in one-on-one combat (not in so many words; they just start fighting).

There's far too many naked man-legs in this scene for the comfort of anyone anywhere.

The hairy, unlikeable one triumphs. Sorry, I should be more clear; Za wins the fight, and kills Cal with a rock. As discontent grows outside, Ian gives Za a torch to show off to the tribe, thereby establishing himself as leader beyond a shadow of a doubt. Za orders the prisoners kept in the cave, but finally for a benign reason; he wants to bring them food and water before they leave (or at least I think so, things are a little unclear).

Mmm, gopher.

After what was probably once a commercial break, the prisoners have been provided with food and water; Za inquires after their comfort, telling them that their tribes will join together - seems nobody's leaving yet. Susan's macabre little mind comes up with an...interesting solution, planting a skull atop a torch. Ian fleshes out the idea: "It looks almost...dead! [...] For all intents and purposes...we're going to die."

Really, look at Susan's face. The girl needs professional help before she kills again.

Seems they've made four freaky little statues after Susan's style of the skull-on-a-torch; the cavemen, attracted by a noise, freak right out, and our heroes run off thanks to the distraction. The cavemen soon see through the clever ruse and pursue through the night with torches. Fortunately, nothing else interesting happens; everyone important makes it back to the TARDIS safely, and the cavemen watch dumbfounded as it vanishes clumsily in a bad fade. Inside, the Doctor explains that, without proper data on where they left from, he's got no idea where they're headed, either; the video screen reveals only freaky-looking trees. As everyone goes to clean up, the radiation meter edges ominously into the blinky DANGER zone, and the episode concludes.

Running away solves everything!

If I know the writers of this show, this likely won't be mentioned again.

A review proper: Well, for an ending it wasn't very satisfying. The Doctor didn't seem to so much fix the problems of the tribe as make an excuse to run away, the effects were lackluster, and there were several points where the inadequacy of the cameras used was evident; the flames would leave a freaky afterimage that proves to be quite distracting, even in the short term. The shoestring budget the producers were working with must have been pretty strict that they couldn't clean up shots with a distracting lighting effect. Worry not; the next serial introduces what will be...um, will already have become...fine. IS a legend of small-screen sci-fi.

I don't even know how that would happen without a digital camera.

Season 1, Episode 1, Part 3: The Forest of Fear

Okay, let's continue. Sorry about the hiatus.
Episode 3 opens on the last bones we saw, and the Doctor finally apologizing for his stupidity. After that wonderful scene, we transition suddenly to a pile of sleeping cavemen. Beth wakes up for no apparent reason, and grabs a rock from the cave floor. This image brings us to the episode's opening credits: the cave is in the Forest of Fear, apparently.

It's the best knife I've ever seen.

We cut to our adventurers, all of them utterly failing their Escape check: they're having no luck cutting their ropes with sharp rocks or bones, and nobody thought to bring a pocketknife or anything. Oh well. After several scenes of failure and subterfuge, which I won't bother recapping for you, Beth finally enters the Cave of Skulls and declares "You...will not make fire." I'd like to point out at this point that Beth simply had to push through some branches to get into the cave, and wonder why our intrepid adventurers wouldn't worry about running away now, and cutting free of their ropes later. Meanwhile, Za is clearly upset about this development; his girlfriend tells him about Beth's treachery, and they both head to the main entrance of the cave, covered with an immovable styrofoam rock.

After much exertion which we'll not go into, Beth unties the travelers and shows them the ultra-secret exit of the cave (a hole in the wall), and they run into the forest. Za enters and throws her onto the ground, but doesn't feel like pursuing; the beasts of the forest will kill them, he says. His girlfriend has to convince him to man up and follow, seeing as the secret of fire left with them.

They forgot the A-Team music, but I think the effect is still there.

Of course, everybody gets lost in the woods right away. Barbara goes hysterical, the Doctor complains (and so does Susan), and Ian decides to rest for a few minutes and change the marching order. The Doctor and Ian spend some time bickering, and we finally cut to Za as he tracks them down. Barbara, deciding to be useful for once, gets frightened by a dead boar, screams, and brings Za right to them; they hide Scooby-Doo style behind a tree.

Really, this should remind you of something. Please?

After a few tense moments, Za is suddenly attacked by something nonspecific (and special-effects-free, and money-saving), and Barbara insists on helping him; Ian and Susan follow, for reasons I can't possibly understand. Za's chest is covered in blood, and Ian sends Barbara and her intellectual equal (Za's girlfriend) for water to wash the wounds. The Doctor, seeming to be the only one making sense anymore, points out that just moments ago they were trying to run away. Defying all common sense, Ian and Barbara decide to build a stretcher and take Za back with them.

We cut to something more interesting: as Beth recovers from her faint, Cal comes upon her; outraged at her treachery (this is sounding familiar), he raises his knife and we cut away again. Oh well. After some pointless caveman social commentary ("She doesn't understand kindness, friendship..."), the Doctor picks up a rock; Chesterton plays the honorable character, and actually has to stop the Doctor from killing a helpless caveman. Trust me, the character will be more likable later.

Dimly-lit town hall meeting of the PAST

We cut to Cal stirring up more discontent among the caveman community; they discover Beth sitting dead in a corner (looks like we've got a mystery on our hands, gang), and Cal clumsily pins the crime on Za. Brian laments her quite hammily, and they all run off to find the travelers. Somehow, when the travelers finally arrive at the TARDIS, a group of cavemen are already lying in wait (wait, what?), and the episode ends on Cal's obviously menacing visage.

Yup, definitely a villain.

Now for a review in earnest: Okay, this episode sucked. The continuity is all screwed up (I won't accuse the writers of being so clever as to not actually have things not happening concurrently), the Cave of Skulls is an obviously inadequate prison, and all the caveman-talk is getting a bit old. Hopefully the last episode of this serial will make things pick up a bit.
...Please?

Season 1, Episode 1, Part 2: The Cave of Skulls

The skulls. Turns out they're in a cave.

We pick up about where we left off. The caveman is entirely surprised to see the TARDIS, naturally. Unnaturally, he goes to tell his friends and family in the cave about it in perfect English. When he arrives, they're busy watching one of them (apparently called Za) try and fail terribly to make fire - his father made fire, and, thanks to handy exposition delivered by his girlfriend, "The leader is the one who makes fire!" All very intriguing.

Fire: it's so easy, even a caveman could...oh, sorry.

Meanwhile, our intrepid heroes are waking up from the TARDIS's horrible crash. At least, I'll have to assume it was horrible - they never even bothered shaking the camera last episode. The Doctor gets a nonsensical reading (0) and surmises, "I'm afraid this yearometer is not calculating properly." Despite a video screen showing the great outdoors (as noted before, the standard BBC quarry), Chesterton refuses to believe they've gone anywhere: "Just open the doors, Doctor Foreman!" The Doctor's response makes a nice title drop, in any case: "Hmm? Doctor who? What are you talking about?" He fusses a bit over outside conditions (air quality, radiation, etc.) and decides to take his Geiger counter outside with him anyway, even though he's quite certain they've gone back in time - his history must be pretty rusty. The Doctor rushes off to take samples, while Ian and Barbara stagger outside, Ian swooning in disbelief. I'll admit I'm rather surprised that the women are the more sensible ones here; this is the 1960s, after all.

Let's get Dr. Grant in here, we're stumped on this one.

While the Doctor, gathering samples of dirt behind some ridge, remains oblivious of the crafty caveman sneaking up on him, the other three examine a horse skull while Susan frets over the state of the TARDIS: it hasn't changed from a police box, and they're used to it changing to fit its surroundings. Another title drop from Chesterton (Who is he? Doctor Who?) brings us to the Doctor as he lights a fantastic Meershaum pipe; the caveman pounces and they both vanish instantly from the scene. Really: the camera cuts away, and all of 2 seconds later, the others are there and can't find a sign of him. The strike off in a random direction, and we cut to the cavemen's, um, cave.

The guy may be a jerk, but the pipe is amazing.

Thanks to more exposition, we find out the source of conflict in the tribe: some outsider called Cal is stirring up discontent, making the others antsy for fire and jockeying for the leader's position. After Za is through talking, the nameless dude from the beginning carries the Doctor in; typical discussion ensues about his "strange skins," etc., and he claims that he saw the Doctor make fire come from his fingers (lighting his pipe). Turns out the dude that brought in the Doctor is, indeed, Cal, and uses the opportunity to stir up more discontent.

Our villain, Cal. Brian looks on disapprovingly from the background.

Finally, some third party (I'll call him Brian) tries to stop the argument, but it's the Doctor who succeeds - he wakes up and promises them fire, but he's tragically lost his matches. The tables have suddenly turned on Cal - seems he's been lying the whole time.

On the right is Za, who I think we're supposed to like. Same goes for the Doctor.

And this is all about as boring as it sounds. Cal, desperate, holds a knife to the Doctor's throat; the other 3 heroes conveniently arrive, stir up a ruckus, and are immediately subdued. The Doctor again promises fire to save their lives (about time he did something nice), more argument ensues, and Za orders the 4 prisoners taken to the Cave of Skulls. Apropos of nothing, Za claims a woman as his own; turns out she's Brian's daughter, and he, understandably, objects. Brian is dubious about Za's promises of fire, but concedes his daughter to the jerk anyway. Za promises an old woman (let's call her Beth) that he'll kill the 4 strangers in the morning.
We cut to the Cave of Skulls, a cave with some skulls in it. 4 prisoners with their hands tied in front of them somehow manage to not untie each other, at least in the minute they're in there. Ian observes the skulls have been split open: cut to skulls, end episode.

Where did they even get rope?

Opinion time, everybody! I'll admit that I didn't really like this one, but I'll forgive it for being exposition for the next one, which had better be a whole lot more exciting. I notice the credits suggest names for the other cavemen (like Org and Hur), but I think I'll stick with Brian. Unfortunately, there's hardly a likeable character among them, and it just remains to be seen if the dumbass or the shithead will come out on top.

Season 1, Episode 1, Part 1: An Unearthly Child

The start of something wonderful.

After some titles that try far far far too hard to be sci-fi (poorly-sequenced synth and everything), we fade in to a policeman, investigating what seems to be a junkyard, where all petty crime takes place. The policeman, who is exceedingly British, happens upon a police public call box. For the record, and because you'll be hearing about it a lot, a police public call box is like a phone booth, but only for calling the police, and is not in fact what this phone box actually is (more on that later). There were apparently an awful lot of them around London and its environs in the 1950s, so it probably wouldn't appear terribly out of place in 1963, when this episode is apparently set (for lack of a better choice).

After this bewildering opening, we dissolve (I'm detecting a theme here) to Coal Hill School, and find two teachers, a man and a woman, talking in a stereotype lab.

Our heroes.

They discuss the problems they're both having with Susan Forman, a 15-year-old girl, and the film shows its age by randomly dimming a bit. Apparently, Susan knows far too much about science and history and far too little about everything else (she's unfamiliar with the British monetary system, and the show manages to accurately predict England going decimal), and has either a very strange upbringing or some strange social anxieties.

Our heroine.

Conversation suddenly turns to Susan's grandfather, who seems to live at the junkyard we saw earlier - it's listed as Susan's home address. The socially responsible teachers decide to stalk the young girl (who dresses like a Star Trek extra). As they talk to Susan, we find that the teachers are called Mr. Chesterton and Ms. Wright. They lend her a book about the French Revolution, aptly titled "The French Revolution," which she begins to read with a critical eye as the creepy teachers stake out the junkyard until she arrives.
The junkyard, which is conveniently full of old theater props (the BBC loves saving money), still contains the police box, which they note is out of place and is gently thrumming. An old man in an odd mode of dress (William Hartnell in a fur hat, frock coat, and a thin scarf) enters; they pointlessly hide, then attract his attention when he goes to step into the box.

Our hero.

He refuses to show them the inside of the box, about which he is rather rude; they surmise that Susan is locked up inside after hearing her voice calling out for "grandfather." As the teachers turn to leave, Susan opens the door, and Chesterton and Wright bull their way into the box, which (thanks to clever cuts) is much larger on the inside, and far more futuristic: the walls are covered in circles, and some sort of hexagonal console in the center takes up space, covered in switches.

The future is CIRCLES

Chesterton demands an explanation; after a bit of blithering, Hartnell looks directly at the camera and says "You don't understand, so you find excuses."

Everyone else wonders just what Hartnell is staring at.

Then continues to explain that the larger-on-the-inside phone box is just a marvel of technology that Chesterton doesn't, and can't, understand: it's a ship, called the TARDIS (standing for Time And Relative Dimension In Space, for some reason), and can go anywhere in time and space. Hartnell emphasizes that the teachers are like children to him, and that children from his planet would be insulted by the comparison. He then declares that they're coming along; they can't tell the world, despite Susan's protests that "Their minds reject things they don't understand" (such wonderful social commentary).
As the teachers try to leave, high-pitched sound effects start up, Hartnell brags and chuckles, and proceeds to punish Chesterton with an electric shock when he touches the console. What a nice guy he is. Promising to open the door so that the teachers and Susan can leave, he instead starts the machine; bits start oscillating, a noise like a crosscut saw going through wood (slowed down) plays, and various effects start up as, on a monitor on the wall, London recedes into the distance.

The TARDIS takes off through time and space. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

We fade in on the TARDIS sitting in a desolate wasteland, which fans will know as the BBC quarry (a popular hole in the ground for filming scenes such as this). The teachers lay on the floor of the TARDIS as, outside, a shadow approaches and stands around sinisterly through the credits.

So that's a recap. Now the actual review, I suppose...
Well, for starters, the Doctor is kind of a dick. If I didn't know where this show was going, I probably wouldn't keep watching, but I may be overestimating the quality of all the other programming available in the 1960s. The fade-in fade-out special effects we're treating to look like somebody messing with a paint mixer and a lava lamp, and we were treated to all of 4 sets, including the interior of a car. Not a great start for one of the best sci-fi series ever broadcast.

Cutting-edge effects, indeed. Things will get better, in 45 years or so.

A Little Background

One of my first intentions in writing this blog is to painstakingly and deliberately make my way through the BBC TV series Doctor Who (ALL OF IT), sharing my experience with you, one episode at a time, with a recap for each serial. For those not familiar with the venerable series, it's a sci-fi series, originally intended as a children's show. However, since it first aired in 1963, the original audience has matured a bit, so modern episodes are somewhat more appealing to a typical audience than the original series.
Since the show has lasted for so very long, the titular Doctor (whose surname is NOT Who, thank you very much) has not been played by the same actor (being a time traveler and all, aging is unbecoming). Through some hocus-pocus explained on the show (and it will be some time before I get to that), the actor who plays the Doctor changes from time to time, so they're referred to as the First Doctor, Second Doctor, and so on up to the Eleventh, who will make his premiere next year. For my next post, I'll run through the episode that introduces us to the First Doctor, played by William Hartnell.
By the way, impugn this show publicly and the entire United Kingdom will come down on your head. The Queen watches this on Saturdays.